Happy Relationships and ADHD Connections

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happy relationships and adhd

 

According to a recent Harvard Study shared in the Wall Street Journal, our connection with others is the most beneficial impact on the longevity of our lives.

“Through all the years of studying these lives, one crucial factor stands out for the consistency and power of its ties to physical health, mental health and longevity. Contrary to what many people might think, it’s not career achievement, or exercise, or a healthy diet. Don’t get us wrong; these things matter. But one thing continuously demonstrates its broad and enduring importance: good relationships.”

 

Relationships are complex. With ADHD in the mix, even more so. Symptoms can impact partners, friends, family, and colleagues. Emotional regulation can cause people to feel disconnected and hurt. Adding structure to our lives can connect us with those we love and care about.

 

Foundations to connection

Your values show up in your relationships.  Authenticity, respect, and honesty are important when in a relationship. Respect is when we accept someone for who they are, even if they are different in how they think or look. This feels like trust, safety, and well-being and is communicated by the appropriate tone of language, physical touch, and attentive listening. At times symptoms of ADHD can be viewed as disrespectful. Executive function challenges like impulsivity and emotional regulation can interfere. Knowing about these challenges helps both partners navigate when this happens.

Respect is fostered by boundaries. Boundaries are the limits we put in place, whether mental, emotional, physical, or more. These are the expectations stated to start and stay in respectful relationships. To be in a relationship with anyone, with ADHD or not, means to have stated what is okay and what is not. Healthy boundaries are a part of every positive relationship.

 

Strategies that foster communication and connection

In the busy times we live in, having a structure for communicating and connecting makes relationships intentional.

 

Build structure in your daily life that reinforces communication. Time allocated as together time prioritizes your family and partner. Family dinner together is a powerful connection. Each evening you gather to discuss, process, and applaud each other. This time together empowers all of the family as individuals and creates unity as a team. You and your partner might also choose a daily check-in time with calendars after dinner to be sure home and work run smoothly. Make dinner time not so much about the specific foods you are eating as the time together.

 

A weekly structure can include a weekly family meeting and weekly date night for partners. A weekly family meeting opens up communication and coordinates schedules for everyone. Your family calendar is where to find dates and details of family life. End your family meeting with fun. Your weekly date night gives you and your partner time away from the daily conversations and offers you opportunities for new activities and adventure.

 

Strategies that support self-care

Practice self-care that empowers good communication. Knowing what you need for your own self-care, whether that is time away from family you love in order to reset, helps you do your best with relationships. Strong self-care starts with a good night’s rest, setting time to step away and pause, and knowing your productivity patterns.

 

At times the best self-care comes with delegating. We can’t do it all and we shouldn’t. Having a cleaning person, laundry person, lawn person, or virtual assistant are all supportive self-care for all the extra tasks that need to be done at home and work.  Finding specific solutions for specific situations sets up a solution-minded framework. When you feel supported, you can do your best with what matters most.

 

Gathering support

There are many ways to gather support for you and your partner. Therapy, coaching, and support groups are available both in person and virtually to support you in your relationships. These professionals are available to help you learn more about ADHD and ADHD symptoms as well as anxiety and co-existing conditions. They will help you recognize skills and focus on working from your strengths.

 

 

How to Start the Week Strong with Sunday Night Routines

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Sunday night routines

 

The transition from a relaxing weekend to a busy week can be stressful. Labeled “Sunday scaries,” many families experience a sense of dread on Sunday evening. There are ways that organization can help! You can start the week off strong with a positive Sunday evening routine.

 

Begin with a Sunday start to the week mindset

As much as Sunday evening is the end of the weekend, it is also a fresh start to the week. Note your perspective that your week starts here rather than Monday morning. Embracing routines that reinforce this mindset helps you prepare for your week. A Sunday evening family dinner or family meeting set the stage for this transition as you meet together as a family and talk about the week ahead.

 

Create a Sunday evening routine

A Sunday evening routine helps you focus and prepare for the week ahead. Start in the late afternoon with your routine. Plan ahead for an early bedtime and prepare ahead of time for this for you and your family. Prepare your materials for work or school and prepare lunch for the next day. Review your calendar for Monday. Wind down by reading or journaling. Your Sunday night routine includes calming self-care. That self-care carries over to emotional regulation.

 

Host a Sunday night reset

Throughout the week and over the weekend, life is busy and stuff gets disorganized. Wrangle it all back to where it goes with a Sunday night reset. That is when you pick up, put away, and place everything back. The Sunday night reset helps you start the week freshly organized.

 

Plan self-care for the week ahead

Planning self-care for the week ahead makes your week easier.  Of course, there will be much to do, however knowing when you will be going to an exercise class, taking a walk, or doing yoga or pilates, help you balance the stress of the week with relaxation. Look ahead to your schedule for the week and write in your self-care.

 

Write stuff down on a master list

Take a few minutes to capture all the thoughts, actions, projects, and any other tasks on a list. Clearing your head will lessen anxiety. Use this list during your weekly planning time and time block your tasks. Weekly planning time gives you a specific time to get organized, prioritize, and manage all your projects well.

 

Say no to distractions on Sunday evening

It is tempting to numb on Sunday evening with a late night of streaming services or looking at social media. Know the value of making a plan and sticking to that. Your work-life integration will be what benefits you most.

 

End your weekend with calm and start the week strong with a Sunday night routine.

2023 My Word of the Year Trajectory

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2023 word of the year trajectory

 

For many years now I have used my word of the year as a guidepost for my work and life. It appeals to me as a way to keep my big picture in view and follow through with the intentions I set for myself. As a whole, we are moving away from new year’s resolutions. Those resolutions were easily made and easily broken. Some resolutions were not specific and some were too difficult to achieve. The Word of the Year keeps us mindful throughout the year of our intentions.

 

This year I have chosen the word trajectory.

tra·jec·to·ry
A noun, defined as the path or curve followed by a projectile flying or an object moving under the action of given forces. Similar words are course, route, path, track, or line.

You should be far more concerned with your current trajectory than with your current results. – James Clear, Atomic Habits

While events change our lives, intention changes the trajectory. ― Richie Norton

However, a good life consists of more than simply the totality of enjoyable experiences. It must also have a meaningful pattern, a trajectory of growth that results in the development of increasing emotional, cognitive, and social complexity. – Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

Why this word?

Over the previous years, I have included data-driven decisions in my work and life. A trajectory follows data. That makes use of the data I have to hopefully create a curve that I have planned. As our lives evolve and we continue with uncertain times, my goal is a positive, upward trajectory. As we know, this is not always the case. Have you seen the Liz and Mollie squiggle that represents the true trajectory to tackle a project? That squiggle reminds us the path is not always straight up to the right. However, that squiggle also represents forward movement no matter.

Life and relationships are less predictable. Gratefully embracing the connections with a positive trajectory is my goal. Life is more squiggly than work!

 

Setting your Word of the Year

Setting your Word of the Year is a positive exercise. Think about this year and what might not have happened. Then, think about a small change you want or something you want to continue. Try on two or three words for your word.  It is a small way to assess where you are and where you want to be.

 

 

 

 

 

How my Word of the Year Strategic Made a Difference

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Strategic

Each year I recap the experience of my Word of the Year. It helps me evaluate the impact of my word and helps me choose a new word. Reflection and evaluation can be insightful and bring the experience full circle to start again.

 

What this word meant to me

Details are important. However, details can overshadow and pull us down to the point that we miss the big picture. This year I wanted to start in a new direction and keep a big view of my business, my work with clients, my connections, and my purpose. The word Strategic came to me as a way to get that big picture. Rather than getting stuck in details, I wanted a way to see a new view of how to move forward and how to help others move forward as well.

 

How I used my word this year

My word Strategic gave me so much more insight than I might have imagined.

  • Being strategic gave me boundaries. When details got too big or heavy, I had a bigger perspective on a situation. Those boundaries helped me see where to move forward in a circumstance, with a connection, and with where I spend my time.
  • When you are strategic, you have big goals. Big goals give direction. I felt empowered to think beyond the day-to-day work and know how to broaden my scope of work. I have the confidence to work within a larger framework.
  • Through coaching, my word Strategic was a guide for helping others find their direction. Being strategic taps into all of our core values. Bringing those values to the top helps me and allows me to help others to reach their goals.

 

What’s next

As 2022 comes to a close, my word of the year is going to continue to guide my actions and thoughts. Taking my word Strategic forward will serve me well.

 

Bonus! Use this Year in Review to evaluate your year!

 

 

year in review

 

 

 

 

ADHD Friendly Tips for Connection

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adhd friendly tips for connection

 

The value of connection is priceless for all of us. During the pandemic, relationships are what kept us moving forward. For those with ADHD, connection is the solution for support. That connection includes work with colleagues, daily life with family and friends, and those around us in our environment. There are many ways to do this, and here is a short ADHD- friendly list to help you.  We know that these connections empower us and enhance our lives.

 

Double up

Make connections by doubling up on both connection and another positive activity. Take a walk or an exercise class with a friend. You are getting exercise and connecting.

Do it now

Thinking of a friend? Send a quick text just to say hello.

 

Dinner time

Work to have a regular dinner time multiple times a week and always once on the weekend. Do not worry so much about what you are serving as making sure everyone comes to the table to talk. Talk about the highs and lows of the day to know more about everyone’s emotions that day.

 

Family meeting

Family meetings promote communication and organization. Host a weekly meeting for your family to talk about calendars, responsibilities, and upcoming holidays.

 

Communicate gratitude

Sadly, and rarely, do we hear about the beauty of a friendship. Share the impact that person has on you and the strengths of that person when you connect. Being grateful moves us toward happiness. Be someone else’s cheerleader today.

 

Remember a birthday

Just a quick text or a snail mail card makes a difference for you and your connection. Keep a list of birthdays and a stash of cards to send at the beginning or end of the month for all the birthdays coming up or just passed.

Play games online

Online games connect you to others with the same interest and in the global community. Join in the games with your kiddos.

 

Join a book club

Book clubs are where people are enjoying books and connecting.

Connect through spirituality

Our communities are filled with those practicing spirituality at temples, synagogues, mosques, and churches. Reach out to those with similar paths, attend, and join a community. These foundations have many activities to connect to others regularly.

 

Use social media wisely

Connect with others on social media positively. Often there are groups to join with common interests. Set a time to sparingly join online to prevent hyperfocus.

 

Volunteer

We make connections when helping others. Volunteer and do good while connecting.

 

Connection is so important that it should be a time block on your calendar. Take time this week for one small step.

 

 

 

ADHD Friendly Tips for Self Care

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adhd friendly tips for self care

 

Self-care is important for all of us and most especially those with ADHD.  Strategies for sleep, exercise, diet, and collaboration support and strengthen successful lifestyles. Even more so, there are other aspects of self-care that empower you. ADHD symptoms and associated stressors can be helped with attention to rejuvenation and

 

Acknowledging the value of self-care

Self-care as a sanity saver and self-preservation tool? Yes! Self-care helps us be resilient, use our energy well, and manage our emotions. Daily self-care is about practical actions that afford you more capability and capacity to focus, work, and connect. This is done best by prioritizing self-care and establishing a structure throughout the day, week and month.

Structure for daily self-care is like other routines in our lives. It can be a time block for mindfulness or exercise. Or it could be weekly meal plan deliveries. Structure and habits are foundations set into place.

If you see obstacles to self-care, it is often because of boundaries. Self-care can also be staying in and heading to bed early, asking for what you need, and asking for help. This is where knowing ourselves well plays a big role. Each of us has different needs.  Having strong boundaries helps you prioritize your time for you. Too many projects, too many activities, and too much “saying yes” means that your self-care will diminish. Feeling overwhelmed means you are in need of self-care.

 

Healthy self-care categories

Self-care extends to many areas in life and lifestyle.

  • Physical health self-care includes not only a good night’s rest, exercise, and a healthy diet. It also includes regular doctor’s visits, therapy, coaching, and possibly nutritionist visits.
  • Connection self-care includes fostering positive relationships with family, friends, and colleagues.
  • Organizational self-care includes establishing an organized environment, keeping up with finances, and maintaining good routines with laundry.

You may have good self-care established in one area and a gap in others. Focus on strengthening one area in one small way and you continue with your other areas.

 

Creating self-care strategies

As with all routines, start small in creating self-care strategies. Knowing what is best for your self-care includes learning education. You might attend a webinar about a topic before strategizing how to include it in your daily routine. Plan out your day and write a checklist that includes self-care. Start working with a coach or certified professional organizer to help you be accountable for your new routine. Make small, specific, changes with dates and timelines to reinforce your success.

My motto for all my clients is to build a bigger team first. Find an exercise class to join or switch up exercise classes to keep engaged. Meal plan and prep with one of your family or bring in meal prep boxes. Build a care team of physician, psychiatrist, a coach, and other assistants.  Each member of your team helps reinforce your goals and care. Your team offers support with positive encouragement and loving accountability.

 

Practicing self-care and self-compassion

Creating new routines can take from 21 days to 254 days, much longer than what we think should happen.

Being graceful with yourself as you take on new self-care means giving self-compassion. Not only is building self-care a lengthy process, but it can also evaporate as quickly. Keep the momentum going by keeping it simple. Complex self-care requires a lot of juggling. Freshen up self-care by changing up exercise and diet. Know the value of taking time off to reset. It is not easy but worth the effort.

Incorporating Essentialism Into Your Standards

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Essentialism

 

 Essentialism isn’t about getting more done in less time. It’s about getting only the right things done.

 

Are you looking for a strategy to help you do less and own less but you are not a minimalist?  I have found that Essentialism works for me! It gives me the opportunity to do what I love and own what I love.

 

What is essentialism?

I have been a  proponent of essentialism for a while now. Greg McKeown’s book, Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less is about prioritizing, which is knowing who, what and why something is essential. “The Way of the Essentialist involves doing less, but better, so you can make the highest possible contribution.”  I read this many years ago and it has stayed with me.  I find that drilling down to essentialism keeps me purposeful, intentional, and productive.

 

What does essentialism have to do with our next steps?

Before COVID-19, we have to admit we were on a hamster wheel with an endless list of actions and endless opportunities to purchase. Now we know what it feels like to do less.  It gives us the opportunity to be selective about what we are doing, who we are with, and what choices we can make.  We can regain control of our choices to use our time and energy to make a difference. Even more, after time has passed since COVID, we want to live intentionally and purposefully.

 

Where can we apply this concept?

Wonder where I apply the concept of Essentialism? It starts with what is in my home and what I own. I consider what is essential to my work and self-care. For me what is essential is a limited number of work clothes and play clothes. Limiting these helps me save time and money. Digging deep into my core values, I know that it is essential for me to spend time with family and stay connected to friends. My calendar reflects these essentials. I love that I can define these elements and stay true to my purpose in what I own and what I do.

Here is an example of where I have used Essentialism for myself. A product comes to mind that will make my life easier. I sit with that idea for a day, thinking about how essential that is to my daily life. I research the cost and prioritize the improvement it might make. I purchase it with intention and when it arrives I place it where it will be used frequently. It is now essential to what I do each day. I have deemed this item absolutely essential to my well-being and the order of my life. That item might be a new keurig pod flavor or a new bag to travel. The process works well for every purchase and every new activity in my life.

 

Where can I learn more?

Learning about Essentialism and its role in others’ lives helps you evaluate for yourself. Check out this podcast to learn more and be inspired.

3 Tips for Reducing Cognitive Load

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reducing cognitive load

 

Have you heard the term cognitive load? “Cognitive load” is the amount of information that working memory can hold at one time. The term is often used in the learning environment. However, we have an ever-increasing amount of cognitive load, especially since the pandemic. We are holding a lot of information in our heads, often novel information that is being processed. The information in working memory is more and more complex. Because we are incorporating and processing the information, it feels unwieldy to think.  Happily, there are a variety of tools to help us reduce that load.

 

Use a reliable, easy-to-use capture tool.

Write stuff down. Use an app to capture information. The less we keep in our heads the more we free up the cognitive load. First capture, then prioritize the information. By capturing information it is no longer in working memory. By evaluating you shorten your list of tasks.

  • Be intentional about your paper capture tool. A notebook keeps all the information together. A disk binder system creatively gives you the opportunity to create sections for information. Your binder becomes a safe place for all information.
  • Use apps wisely. The Notes app is an easy-to-use system.
  • Use your system consistently for the best off-loading of cognitive load. That is to have a routine to add to, delete and review your information. GTD, Getting Stuff Done, uses a capture and review system with a weekly planning time.

 

Add routines to daily living.

Daily routines lighten your cognitive load by creating an auto-pilot for daily and weekly self-care. Routines add consistency which adds serenity.

  • Use a checklist for your daily routines. Dry erase board checklists can help start or end the day. Your family will benefit from this as well. No more yelling at your family to get stuff done too.
  • Create a parallel schedule for your day with getting up and going to bed at the same time. You will be sure to be well rested and better able to think.
  • Track your success with visual signs of success. Whether it is a checkmark on your planner or a habit tracker app, you will enjoy your success knowing this data.

 

Be intentional about new information, tasks, and projects.

Intention can lighten your cognitive load. Paying attention to the purpose and related actions that are behind a task brings clarity. Limit new projects to no more than 2 simultaneous projects and have pre-set rules for decisions as new information comes along. Remember that anxiety can affect your cognitive load and create stress and paralysis. When you give yourself time to process and create a plan, you gain control and create successful outcomes. Intentional actions include giving yourself time to plan, time to process information, and time to act on the plan. All of this can be accomplished with a fresh perspective and time blocking.

 

Remember the phrase, “Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” Ultimately, that is the remedy for reducing cognitive load.

 

Getting Derailed and Getting Back on Track

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getting derailed and getting back on track

 

You are moving forward, being productive, getting stuff done, and taking care of yourself. Then all of a sudden – poof! – this vanishes. It could be from being overwhelmed, being unprepared for life’s circumstances, being unmotivated, or just because. All of a sudden, after so much effort, you feel derailed and unsure of what to do next. So what to do to get back on track?

When you get derailed by too many projects

Additional projects are added to your responsibilities at work. In your enthusiasm, you add on more home chores like repairs and home renovation.

Use your task list wisely. If you are overwhelmed, make a list of all the responsibilities and tasks. Then assign these to time blocks for getting these started and completed. At home, take on no new responsibilities until you feel more in control. There are many project management apps that can help you organize your projects and time. 

 

When you get derailed by a lack of motivation

Lack of motivation can occur when you feel overwhelmed or lack purpose behind a project. You might start with a lot of interest and enthusiasm, and then those emotions wane.

Break projects into small steps to feel consistent success. When you see your success, it builds in motivation to continue. If you come to a point where you don’t remember or see the end goal, use a mind map to reconsider the outcome and what is important to you about the completion of the project. Bring in additional team members to add interest and motivation.  

When you get derailed by vacation

You have really enjoyed your time off, and now it is time to get back to work. There’s so much to do and you are not ready to roll.

Set up for success with a catch-up day. On the first day, you return, establish a no meeting policy. Set a time to catch up on email and connect with colleagues on projects. Use a task list continuously or start now to keep a list of all responsibilities. 

 

When you get derailed by “life happening”

“Life is happening!” That is when there is a new relationship, a loss of a family member, a job change, moving to a new home, or multiple circumstances happen simultaneously.

Self-care is the key to getting through situations. First, start with a good night’s rest and get support. Support can be meeting with a therapist or coach, seeking medical attention, adding a team member to your work group, or delegating to a paid helper. There are times that there is too much for us to handle. 

 

When you get derailed in general

You are a marvel at your task list, getting to the gym, and eating healthy. Then you stop.

Everyone gets derailed at some time. Don’t fret about it –  just do it (whatever that was) and start again!

Getting Back into Work Mode

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getting back into workflow

 

This summer record numbers of people are taking time off and going on vacation. Being away has so much value in helping us reset. However, getting back into the workflow can be difficult after vacation. Check out these strategies to help you transition back to work more quickly.

 

Write vacation preparation notes

Set yourself up for success with notes before you leave. Additional notes on the next steps help you catch up upon return. Share these notes with colleagues who are on your team.

 

Schedule no meetings the first day back

Give yourself time to go through email, check your schedule and set priorities the first day after vacation. By prioritizing getting organized you are ready to get back into the workflow. From my own experience, you are not ready to get back to full speed that first day. Pace yourself with having a buffer day.

 

Review your planner and your tasks to prioritize

Returning from travel, at work, you are likely in the middle of many projects and at home you definitely need groceries. Review your planner to catch up on what is next for your planner. At home, check in with what is needed immediately to run smoothly. Taking this review time gives you a sense of direction and where to spend your time first.

 

Set a reasonable schedule for the week of your return

Don’t overdo and overbook your first week back. Diving back into a full schedule seems smart because you have been away. Give yourself ample self-care and breaks during the first week back with extra time for walks, preparation for each day, and lots of hydration.

 

Set aside time to work through email

Email is the most difficult part of the return to work. Having a plan helps you gain control. Be sure to set your out-of-office reminder so that your colleagues know you are not going to respond until you return. Then, use divide your time to work through email when you return. Set aside a time block for a high-level review of email and learn what is urgent. You can respond to this quickly. Then, set another time block to calendar dates, add information to projects, and work through what has come in while you were away. By creating two segments for your email, you can feel more in charge and be more responsive.

 

Return to routines quickly

Unpack your luggage, order groceries, start laundry and get to bed on time. Returning to your routines quickly helps you ramp up your productivity.

 

Give yourself grace throughout the first week back to work. It is going to take time to regain momentum. Having these strategies will help you be proactive about your workflow after your time away.